I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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