I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
