i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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