woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
