I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Randomize
