dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
