i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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