I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
