i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
