I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I still have a little drunk in my system
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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