There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
