I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
