I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
