I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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