note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
