I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
even my farts smell like vagina
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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