Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
