I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
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