my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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