I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
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