Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
