I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
