I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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