i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
