I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
