Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
