She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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