Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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