I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
