Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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