she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
