I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
