My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
