the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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