I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
