I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
