NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
This toilet bowl is my home.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize