we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
