Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
