Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
this just has baby written all over it
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
