he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
