I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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