Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
