You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
