try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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