worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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