Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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