she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
