shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize