P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
