I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
