I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
