yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
