Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
My apartment stinks of burning failure
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
