well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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