He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
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I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
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Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
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