If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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